Though I have not actually gone through the divorce paperwork process, I have been separated from my spouse for 7 years and am raising a 13 year-old-daughter. So far so good. Anka is now at an age where her hormones are starting to wake up, her mouth is getting slightly sassy, she’d rather chat with friends on line than do her homework and, now that she is a teenager, she is ‘trying’ to manipulate us for permissions and punishments. An example: “Dad, I really don’t want to go with you to visit Grandmommy over the weekend, I have a school party. Mom has a date but she said that if I can organize where to stay, don’t have to go with you. I talked to my friend, Dana and she said that I could spend the night. Her mom will take us to the party and pick us up.” On the other hand, my daughter has told me: “Mom, I didn’t want to spend the weekend with Daddy and Grandmommy, so I talked to Dana and she said that I could spend the night. Her Mom’s taking us to the party. ” I say, “Great honey, then its all set.”
Then I have my furious ex calling me. Over the phone you can hear the fumes coming out of his nose and mouth, and can feel fiery darts beating down on you all the way through cyberspace. “Why did you give her permission to go to Dana’s? She was with me not you. You had no right! You cannot give her permissions and change things on the days she is with me. In doing that then I am no more than a baby-sitter…just a place for you to dump her off when you want to go out.”
The truth is, I hadn’t given Anka permission to anything. It was a wakeup call; suddenly evident that this could become an ongoing problem. It is important to stop Anka from having the power to manipulate her father and I to get her way. However, in my case, I was proud of how Anka organized herself. She had been talking about this party for exactly one month. I had given her permission to go and so had her dad. So why did he have to take her away on a week-end that he knew was special for her? But she had lied in saying that I had given her permission. We needed to talk…seriously.
Since the day that I left my 9 bedroom home with Anka and moved into a tiny apartment eight blocks away, I have been honest with her about what is happening. My ex, on the other hand thinks that it is damaging to be so honest. But a child is curious; they want to know.
Q: “Do you still love Daddy?”
A: “Yes, of course but not that special love that you need to make you happy.”
Q: “Are you going to marry someone else?”
A: “I would love to…someday….if I meet someone and feel that special love.”
Q: “Why don’t you have that special love for Daddy anymore?”
A: “He’s a good person and would die for you but we all have flaws, and his flaws are really, really bad for me. They make me sad. I want to be happy.”
Q: “Why does he say ugly things to you? I hate him when he does that.”
A: “No, you mustn’t hate him or anyone. It’s very bad to hate. You have to love him because he’s your father and is good to you.
Q: “But why, Mom, why does he say ugly things to you?”
A: “I don’t know. It’s something that I’ve never understood. And that’s why I get sad and that’s why I don’t want to live with him anymore.”
I find it damaging to bad-mouth her father and pray that he bestows the same courtesy upon me.
Some say that it’s unhealthy but her father and I are not going through the whole custody thing. Though we would both prefer that she live full-time in our house, we have basically left it up to her to be where she wants to be. Usually, she is with my from Sunday night to Thursday morning. Then, because I have to travel on Thursday for work, she stays at her father’s Thursday and Friday. Saturdays are pretty much up to Anka. It all depends on what she has going on.
Now that Anka is older, we have some newfound kinks to iron out. Anka and I have a very open and honest relationship. Because of that, I am confident that we will.