Freedom through Forgiveness

(Newswire.net — August 31, 2017) Herriman, Utah — Recently it has come to the forefront that many of us, in our quest to become better people, sometimes get hung up on aspects that hold us back.  As I thought about my own short comings, I was reminded of the teachings of a favorite mentor, Bill Barney.   Please review the following article that discusses overcoming the powerful burdens we put on ourselves with relationship issues, pride, grudges and being judgmental. 

We have all been told to forgive other people. We know the benefits we receive by forgiving. We want to let go, but how do we go about it? Here is a simple 5 step process to Active Forgiveness. I have led hundreds of people through this process. It works consistently and quickly. The most common phrase I hear after walking a client though this 5 Step Process is: “Wow! I feel so light and free. I had no idea how big of a 

burden I have been carrying with me!”

Forgiveness is not just for religious purposes. It is a universal principle that brings peace and happiness to those who practice it regularly. There are many well documented studies showing the benefits of practicing Active Forgiveness. Studies done by the Mayo Clinic, show that people who forgive regularly have:

• improved relationships
• decreased anxiety and stress
• lower blood pressure
• a lowered risk of depression
• stronger immune system
• better heart health.

I assist many people who are victims of abuse and rape in the course of my work. I have found the act of “unforgiveness” or holding onto a grudge is often the cause of the person’s distress be it emotionally or physically.  Nelson Mandela said it best: “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.”  Forgiveness has very little to do with the other person.  The real reason we should forgive is for our own emotional, spiritual and physical well-being. 

I have found that many times people think they have forgiven a person when they are actually holding onto a lot of pain and poison.  Let’s do a Reality Check and give it the old Acid Test.  Notice the emotions that come up when you think of that person and what they did.  If you feel any negative emotions towards that person at all, it means that you still have some forgiveness work left to do.  While you will feel much better by letting go of some of your anger and resentment towards that person, I have found that it is impossible to fully forgive someone when you still feel resentment, anger or any other negative emotion to wards that person.

I would like to share with you the account of a woman whom we will call Leona to protect her privacy.  Leona’s husband abandoned her while she was pregnant with their fourth child.  He ran off with a much younger Barbie Doll type.  Every time Leona would see her ex-husband and new girlfriend driving around town it would throw her into a deep depression that would last anywhere from a couple of days to a few weeks.  Leona called me two days after doing an Active Forgiveness session with me where we went through all the steps of forgiving her ex-husband.  She was very excited to tell me that she had just seen her ex-husband and his Barbie Doll driving down the road and the only thing she felt was pity for that man. She was amazed at the difference she felt after completely forgiving her ex.

Many times, the act of forgiving and letting go is just a simple process.  What about the times when we have been offended so egregiously that forgiveness is near impossible?  We are told to forgive and we all know that we should. So how does one go about doing that? Sometimes it takes more than saying Abracadabra or wiggling your nose like a bunny.

Here are 5 simple steps to Active Forgiveness.  You may not need to use all 5 steps to forgive every offence, but I have found that following these steps will help you forgive and let go of the unforgiveable.  

 

 

5 Steps to Forgiving Others.

Step 1. Heal the pain.

This is the part that many people miss in the forgiveness process. They try to forget the pain, ignore it or just stuff it . . . and it just does not work.

You must heal the pain first. I call this the Sliver Principle.  When you get a sliver in your hand, you know that you must first remove the sliver or the hand will never heal properly with the sliver still embedded. Trying to forgive without healing the pain is like putting ointment and a band aid on a sliver and hope it gets better.     

I have two suggestions of ways to heal the pain. 

1. Write and Burn. Write out all your frustrations, anger and heartache onto paper. Go into detail about how this person hurt you and what they did to you and how it affected you. Then light the paper of fire and watch it burn. You will notice your negative feelings dissipate along with the smoke. 

2. Shout it out loud. You should do this when you can be alone. I like to do it while in my car or out in the woods or a field. Just imagine that the person you want to forgive is right there with you and tell them what they did to you and how it makes you feel. Scream, cry, curse, throw a tantrum. Just get it out. Those unspoken words are poison inside you. Now is the time to get it all out. (Just a little note here; Don’t yell at them in person. Don’t send them the letter. This process is for your benefit. It has very little to do with the other person.)

 

Step 2. Specifically speak the words of Forgiveness and say “I release this and let it go now”

Something very powerful happens within us, when we speak specific words of forgiveness. It is many times more effective than just thinking it.

Be specific in the words you say out loud. Let’s say for example that your partner named Riley cheated on you. Don’t just say “I forgive Riley for cheating”. Be specific. Say, “I forgive Riley for destroying my self-esteem.” “I forgive Riley for not keeping his/her promises.” “I forgive Riley for lying to me.” “I forgive Riley for taking away my trust.” You get the idea. If you fell on a cactus and got a rear end full of stickers, you wouldn’t stop tweezing till you got every last one removed. Approach your forgiveness process the same way. Just forgive the offender in as many different ways as you can think of.

Step 2 is really a two-part process. You should follow up every “I forgive” statement with the words; “and I release this and let it go now.” This serves to bring closure and a sense of immediacy with-in yourself. I often hear people say; “Wow, I really felt a shift, when I said the word ‘now’.”

Step 3. Release the person and turn them over to a Higher Power.

Whatever that Higher Power is for you, just turn the person over to that power. Use prayer or just declare your intention to release this person. Let the situation be between them and that Higher Power. There is a powerful cleansing effect of turning the problem over to something greater than yourself and letting go. Give it to God, The Universe, or your Mother-in-Law. (wink, wink) I don’t care. Just get rid of it. You will feel the difference.

Step 4. Ask your Higher Power to take any remaining negative feelings from your Heart.

If you believe in God or something bigger and greater than yourself, there is a miracle waiting for you when you ask your Higher Power to take this burden from your heart. I witnessed this change of heart many times. Sometimes we do all we can to forgive and let go. Yet there remains with-in us negative feelings and emotions related to the offence. Step 4 can dissolve the remaining poison inside ourselves.

Step 5. The three R’s. Rinse and Repeat as Required.

Just keep repeating the 4 steps over and over until you are no longer affected negatively when you think about the offence or the offender. You may go for two weeks or two years and then something will come up and you notice that you are experiencing negative emotions. No problem, just notice what you are feeling and say; “I forgive Riley for yelling at my dog.” “I release this and let it go now”. I hope you get the idea.

Remember to forgive the little things as well as the big ones. Forgive people in traffic or the slow ones in line at the grocery store. Just say in that moment; “I forgive that person”.  You will be astonished how your life will change by letting go of grudges and forgiving people in the moment of the offence. Most of all. remember to forgive yourself.  When you actively forgive others regularly, you will have improved relationships, decreased anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a lowered risk of depression, stronger immune system and better heart health. How can you put a price on those benefits?

Forgive often. Forgive quickly. Forgive completely. Forgive everybody and live a healthier, happier and more fulfilling life.